Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Release the hounds!

I promise to have at least one pop culture reference in every blog I post. Pinky swear. Not a day goes by that I don’t think, if not utter aloud, a Seinfeld reference that’s applicable to my current state of affairs. Does that say my life is really about nothing? I don’t know. Does that matter? Not so much.

Is it possible to digress before you even start? I believe I just did!

So, this blog. I used to think it was just me—that I was the only loser doing the Red Green version of life held together with duct tape and fishing line. But the more I talk to my friends, even acquaintances, it becomes apparent pdq that most women feel like this sometimes. (Some of us all the time!)

You just have to ask the right question to trigger an avalanche of laments, which pick up speed as the narrator warms to her topic.

Nine times out of ten it starts with “TELL me about it!” in response to my complaint, followed quickly with her telling me all about her thoughts on the topic. It could be about anything—cleaning, behavioural problems in kids (or husbands), boredom at work, gaining weight, etc. Almost every woman I know has at least one trigger that releases the hounds.

Whilst listening empathetically and nodding till my head threatens to bobble right off my neck, I wait, patiently, for the inevitable intake of breath (damn those synchronized swimmers though) so I can jump in with my own litany of complaints. Then we go back and forth trying to outdo each other with tales of woe and injustice like a real-life Monty Python sketch:

Serve: “The in-laws are descending like locusts this weekend so, of course, my cleaning lady chooses this particular juncture to get appendicitis and, just as I’m elbow deep in toilet cleaner, Missy hands me—at 9:45 pm—the list of materials she needs for her science project, due tomorrow!”
Volley: “Oh yah? Well my in-laws have been here for three weeks feeding Millicent a steady diet of candy and new toys, making backhanded comments about the successes of my husband’s ex-girlfriends, while my barracuda boss—single, of course—wants me to work morning, noon and night on the Stupid Co. campaign that we’ll likely lose anyway because of her incompetence. Oh, and my cleaning lady died three weeks ago—how rude!—so my toilet has been pink for ten days already!”

My wish is to extend the funny, sincere, poignant conversations we have on the playgrounds, at work, at lunch, at Chippendales (do they even still exist?). You get to listen to me bitch (lucky you), but you can complain too. You can even say something obnoxious like, “Well, Jodi, if you got up ten minutes earlier, your entire life would change. You lazy ho’.” (My inner editor is convulsing right now over the correct way to punctuate "ho" inside the quotation marks and all. Shudder.)

This could be our own modern-day red tent. (Without the polygamy, of course. Unless that’s your thing. Who am I to judge?) We can share our woes and frustrations and, hopefully, the odd bit of wisdom and advice. We may only have one worthwhile trick a piece, but hey, if we put them all together, that’s a lot of frikkin’ tips! First and foremost though, let’s have a good laugh. (That’s my special trick...)

Whaddya think?

16 comments:

Nicole White said...

Seriously, you are going to be my entertainment every single morning! You're going to post every day, right? I mean it's not like you have a real life, eh? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!

Oh...take it easy on the Seinfeld stuff will 'ya? Never did get that show ;)

Meghan said...

I'm in. And if I could afford a cleaning lady I'm sure I'd complain about her. I did have one once who managed to piss me off after leaving me a 'kind note' that my poinsettia could kill my cat (as if my cat was desperately hungry enough to eat a bright red, seemingly unappetizing plant). Then she left the radio on saying my cat was 'lonely'. That did it. I decided my 40 bucks was better spent on my cat and I fired her ass. Ironic.

Jodi R. said...

Testing so I can talk my mother down form the blog ledge...

Brianne Y said...

Brilliant!

Heather said...

Love it, Jodi!! Looking forward to participating in the madness -- even if it is virtually ;-) Hugs, Heather

Jodi R. said...

Hi all - thanks for your feedback thus far - I really appreciate it!

Nicole - every day would be a stretch. And not because I have an actual life, as you might assume (though my daughter does, and that takes up much of my time as you can well appreciate), but because I write and think at such a painfully slow rate. I also would run out of things to say, oh, probably mid-next week. I'll strive for 2-3 times per week though.
No promises on Seinfeld - sorry, it's seeped into my brain in such a pervasive/invasive way that it can't be ignored. FYI on "Release the Hounds!": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3JVr5HoeoA
You like Jazz, Nikki?
You will also note "Nic's bucket list" is one of my featured blog links so, *AHEM*, get to it missy!

Ah Meghan - a perfect response. Just for clarification, I don't actually have a cleaning lady, but you know that because you've been to my hovel - er, house! A friend asked if I actually had that conversation about cleaning ladies and, sadly, no I did not. While many things on this blog will stem from actual chats, some are obviously writers' embellishments (SNL circa 1975 anyone?). I could flag them as such, but I won't. My purpose is twofold: I want to make me* sound more interesting and witty than I actually am, and I want to lend this blog an air of mystery and intrigue (is it real or imagined? Only Jeebus knows...) OK, maybe just onefold. I think I just coined a new term!
PS - your cleaning lady reminds me of Magda arranging Miranda's condoms in a colourful array in SATC. :~)
PS2 - Your cat's dead, isn't he? Did he die after Christmas by any chance? (Hey Magda was always right, eh? Just sayin'.)

Mom - Help is on the way.

Brianne and Heather - thanks!

*I could have opted to use "myself" here, but it is a monster peeve of mine (pet peeve is too tame) that people overuse and misuse this word, so I am officially boycotting it, starting now. Who's with me?

Meghan said...

No my cat is alive - but at the time of the overly-considerate cleaning lady (defintiely a Magda), I was actually cat-sitting and though I did fire the cleaning lady, it was someone else who was footing the bill since I was also condo-sitting! HAH. So I hear these writerly types tend to embellish a bit...

Jodi R. said...

Who, us Meghan? Never!

Tanya said...

Fantastic! This will be my weekly therapy session! I'll take The Rapists for 1000 Alex. Myself and my friends will enjoy this immensely! ;0

Jodi R. said...

Ha Tanya - leave it to you to notice that creepy anagram for therapist! (I noted it before and used it in a story once too... great minds and all that...!)

Ceebie said...

Looking forward to following your blog, Jodi! Maybe you'll inspire me to get mine up and running (or hobbling) once again...But if anything I look forward to having you entertain me. Now dance, monkey, dance! ;)

Jodi R. said...

LOL - I'll do my best Ceebie (love the screen name btw!). Just think, if more people didn't run marathons, they'd have time to blog... Blog/run, blog/run - I think the choice is clear... (stay tuned to my next post for more on a related topic...)
:~)

Nadine Day Boutilier said...

Love it! I'll have to try to read my daily dose before the library opens! ;)

Jodi R. said...

Thanks Deenie! Although I can't promise a daily post - I will try for 2-3 times per week!

Wendy said...

I will look forward to this! You crack me up and you still sound smart doing it! As for Seinfeld, I hear it every day from Mr. Sampson (Jerry's biggest fan) so a few more references from the show won't hurt.
WS

Jodi R. said...

Thanks Wendy! I've got a new Jerry reference for you in the next blog - sorry Nicole!!!!