Friday, October 22, 2010

Chocolate chip pancakes are absolutely disgusting...

... and it only took me three of them to figure that out, all by myself. I am literally sitting here making gag faces as I choke down the third.

What’s that? Just don’t eat it? Pfft. CLEARLY we haven’t met.

So, I’m dieting. Or rather, trying to get to a weight that is 30‒40 pounds (or even 3‒4) below the biggest I’ve ever been, INCLUDING WHEN I WAS PREGNANT. Yes, I weigh more now than I did while I was pregnant and carrying an excess 30 pounds of amniotic fluid. Seriously.

Those who have had kids, remember that nice round bellyful of baby? I loved that.

Oddly enough, an extra 30 pounds of—oh, I don’t know, let’s take a wild stab here—chocolate chip pancakes, sausage, syrup and PC Loads of Chocolately Caramel Treats Ice Cream (real name, btw) don’t have quite the same effect on the old physique. You still get the itchy underbelly and stretch marks, but it’s all lumpy and disgusting instead of smooth and lifegiving. (If my belly emitted a “Helloooooooooo” in a cartoony English accent, it would look like a chubby Bryan Adams talking. You know what I’m sayin’.)

Back in the day, I was a stick person. I ate like a pothead on a bender and never gained much weight. I was a buck‒oh‒five soaking wet when I headed for university.

Ahhh, Beaver Foods. (Which was the name of our cafeteria food provider, not code for some exciting university-sexuality-experimentation adventure.)

      All-you-care-to-eat three times daily

  +  Obscene amounts of alcohol

  +  Not having to walk three miles to someone else’s house to smoke because you can smoke in  your own room *

  =  The Frosh 15

Now granted, that extra 15 pounds worked well for me as I was relatively scrawny. The extra 20-30-40-50, etc.? Not so pretty.

Now I have engaged my sister in a weight challenge: 20 pounds before Christmas.**

And I’m winning—I’ve gained three already!

What’s that? I’m supposed to lose them? Ah crap.  

What’s a girl who hates exercise and loves food to do? Well, I do have a great idea that should make me skinny AND rich—I’ll fill you in on that later. In the mean time, I’m open to suggestions. (And please, no “Eat less and move more” garbage. I’m fat, not developmentally delayed.)  

I’ll keep you posted on our progress as we head toward the holidays. Weigh-in is tomorrow!


*     Yes, I’m so old that I predate several “no smoking” policies—at least we couldn’t smoke in class like in my mother’s era. (Sorry Mom, I think my hard-earned #coughdrunkenfiestacough# psychology degree would refer to that as deflection or distraction or transference or “Look over there! Chippendales!” or something.

**    A note about my efforts at weight loss: I think we should all be happy and healthy and comfortable with our bodies. I am not a fanatic dieter (obviously) or even a lukewarm exerciser (shocking). I don’t do unhealthy fad diets. I have done Weight Watchers before with great success (lost 25 pounds). I don’t want to be super skinny. Or even skinny. But the BMI jumped up recently and bitch-slapped me across the mouth with an obese label. Not overweight, mind you—obese. Plus I’m getting old, so I think it’s time to stop dickin’ around here and do something that will help ensure I’ll be here for the major events in my daughter’s life. First goal: Overweight. (How messed up is that?) Second goal: At risk. Final goal: Just a squeak inside the normal BMI limit. I’m not looking for much here people.


Meghan said...

I'm reminded of the episode of Three's Company when Chrissy goes on a water-only diet, and the only 'food' she can eat is ice cubes. Well, at least they gratify the crunch craving.

Good luck!

Brianne Y said...

"All Butter Butterflake Rolls" many points for them ya think? Fek.

Jodi R. said...

Bri - I'm sure they're the same as the ice cubes. :~)

OK - I'm down three pounds from last week. However, last week was an all-time high, and it takes my body two full days to register ultra decadence - so the half tub of PC Loads of Chocolatey Carmel Treats will appear tomorrow. Plus we're going to Cafe Chianti tonight = wretched excess. :~)

Meghan - that reminds me of being in the hospital to have my daughter. You're only allowed clear light liquids (water, pospicles, etc.)once in the hospital. So I had soup before I left around 1 pm. Around 1 am, the nurse looks over and says "Is that Diet Coke?!?" (I got careless in my labouring and let it come out of hiding.) Luckily was born at 5 am, so I only had 4 hours without my beloved DC....

Helene said...

I know you said you'd had success on WW before but have you tried WW online? I'm always on the computer all the time so it worked well for me (15 lbs so far since June). Now that I have a grasp on counting points, I cancelled my WW acct (saves the $20/mo) and downloaded the iWatchr app for my iPod for about $2. Super easy to keep track during the day and I can do it offline. Good luck! Losing weight is tough. :-/

Jodi R. said...

Hey Helene -

Actually my experience with WW was with the online! I loved it - when I was in the mood to do it that is. First time around I did it with two friends and it worked great. I've stopped and started many times since then, but have always lost interest. This summer I lost 10 pounds using it, but fell out of it and found the 19 pounds again!

I do have a weight loss idea that I will try over the next year that is funny and will make me lots of money if it works - wish me luck!

allison said...

Well, you don't have to worry about the PC Loads of Chocolately Caramel Treats Ice Cream tempting you any longer; I saw the licked out container in the garbage last night.

Let's do WW again.

Jodi R. said...

Yes Allison - you are my witness - I'm not kidding about the PCLOCCTIC!!!

Ugh - I don't think I can do weight watchers right now. Let me get through November...

wings19 said...

"I’m fat, not developmentally delayed." LOL, Jodi!!!

Keep 'em coming!

Jodi R. said...

Thanks Wings! I was going to use a less politically correct term, but it would be, well, politically incorrect! lol

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain oh Queen of the Word. I am the same weight today as I was the day BEFORE Lauren was born...a whopping 25 pounds heavier than the weight I STARTED weight watchers at 10 years ago. Lost 25 pounds with ww then, which means I am now %) freaking pounds heavier than on my wedding day.

Can we do an online fat moms who are grammar geeks weight loss support group thingy???

Jodi R. said...

OMG princess - we have almost exactly the same story going here! I am about the same weight as birthin' day, which is 20 pounds heavier than when I did ww about 7 (?) years ago, then I lost 25 pounds (but that was abou 8 pounds less than marryin' weight). Weird...

As per the "online fat moms who are grammar geeks weight loss support group thingy" - I think we just started it!!!

I do have a brilliant weight loss strategy for us, but I'm still working out the details now - I'll let you know how it goes...