Friday, November 5, 2010

Say “Squeeze!”

There are few things I dislike more than walking. One of those things happens to be Kegels. Oh dear God, how I loathe them.

The other day I decided to see if two wrongs could possibly make a right, and so I combined these least favourite things into one activity I coined “The Kegel Pole-ka™.” Surprisingly, it’s not nearly as fun as it sounds. (Trust me.)

The idea is that, as I walk, once I reach a telephone pole I squeeze my abs in and up and attempt1 to do Kegels at the same time. (I am woman. I am nothin’ if not a multi-tasker.) At the next pole I relax and just walk.2 Then I repeat till I want to chew out my own eyeballs for the sheer distraction of it.

So if you see me out walking at a seemingly normal pace but I’m grimacing like I’m in the homestretch of a marathon3, keep in mind that, though you can’t see it, I’m actually trying to pull my jitch4 up to my navel, and my navel up to my cleavage5.

All that squeezing has to be good for something, right?

I’ll keep you posted.

How about you—do you do Kegels faithfully? rarely? ever? Do you not feel the need or (as one character in a book so brilliantly witty is just HAS to be published some day says) can you pretty much drive a Mack truck through there? Do you hate Kegels as much as me?

* * * * * * * * * *
1. I say “attempt” because who the hell knows if they’re ever doing the dastardly things right anyway? The best description I ever read was in The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy, by Vicky Iovine: “The way you know if you are doing [Kegels] correctly is you begin to feel anxious and uncomfortable...it makes you feel slightly nervous inside. You can even feel lightheaded.” Enticing, no?

2. Note to self, there are no telephone poles on one side of Macara Street. Holy tight twazzer, Batman!

3. ...or like I discovered Nickelback on my MP3...

4. Props to Brenda D. for introducing me to the BEST. WORD. EVER.

5. A distance that is, of course, shrinking with every passing year. Eventually I’ll have to aim for my chin instead.

9 comments:

Nicole White said...

You know the best way to do Kegels is while you're in bed using your jitch in a much more fun way. Just don't hold your breath ;) LOL I'm loving that word now too!

Jodi R. said...

Yah that's a given Nic - else some of us'd have to strap a 2X4 on someone's ass to keep 'im from falling in! lol

OK - I think I just took the Kegel jokes an inch or two too far...

Great suggestion! lol

Weezie said...

What word was that Jodi?

Jodi R. said...

JITCH!!!!! How's your jitch Weezie?
lol

Anonymous said...

Omg they just keep getting better every day!

Paula

Jodi R. said...

Thanks Paula! I'll try to get another one posted tonight...

Anonymous said...

I have to admit...I think I've been doing Kegels since I was 12... the idea of stress incontinence has always terrified me

:) Mary Ann

aliceinparis said...

Eek, don't want a jitch headed for the ditch. Thanks for the funny reminder:) Here via Cindy.

Jodi R. said...

Thanks AinP for the jitch in ditch visual! And welcome!